The Valley of the Shadow of Death

Wow, where to begin. So, last night I went through hell. I became overwhelmed for no apparent reason as I have become apt to do. At least I haven't faced up to the reason yet. So, I go home after studying with a friend, no he's more like a brother. Anyway, he encouraged me to head to bed and get some rest. I just felt so overwhelmed. I got on gmail. He was on and asked me why I wasn't going to bed and if everything was okay. It wasn't. I was feeling desperate. I felt alone. I felt like no one understood what I was going through. I felt like no one could understand what I was going through. I felt completely alone. I was so overwhelmed that I just wanted to die. I was in a major depressive state. I have never experienced anything like this before. I would try to cry out to God, but I had no faith, no hope, nothing. I felt that he had left me and had abandoned me. I kept thinking of ways that I could escape all this. I was entertaining thoughts of suicide. I was so desperate. Well, a few other friends were also on gmail. I am so blessed to have friends who care for me and speak truth to me. For the first time in my life I was angry with God. Not a good place to be. I was so deceived by my sin and circumstances that I couldn't look beyond them. I couldn't lift my gaze to the cross. No wonder I was so desperate. I was trying to fight this on my own and wondering why the Lord wasn't answering. I had no faith, but I had plenty of pride. I need to kill that pride in my life. The Lord has promised grace to the humble. Psalm 149:4 says, "For the Lord takes pleasure in his people; he adorns the humble with salvation." What a promise! James 4:6-10 is a perfect place to see the Lord's promise for the humble. "But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, 'God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.' Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you." The Lord was kind enough to humble me when I wouldn't humble myself. No wonder I felt so hopeless, helpless, and desperate. I was trying to trust in my own self and my ability. I can't. I can't do anything on my own. I am helpless. I am hopeless. I should be desperate. That desperation should cause me to run to Christ and the foot of the cross for help, hope, and grace. The Lord had to break my heart and bring me to the point of death. David in Psalm 23 said, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." God was with me last night. Christ was in me last night. My friends encouraged me with evidences of grace in my life. The fact that I worry if I am saved and care if I am saved is evidence that the Lord is in me. The fact that I love his church is evidence of grace in my life. My friend encouraged me this morning over the phone that the fact that I didn't kill myself was powerful evidence of the Lord at work in me. I need to trust in the Lord and have faith in his promises. Romans 8:32 says, "He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" How can I not have faith with this knowledge?