stumbling through this temporary world

Lonely

2011-05-16T19:56:00.001-07:00

So, it has been a very long time since I have posted anything. To try to catch up would take far too long. Instead, I will jump right in where I am at. My circumstances have changed. I have moved to a new locale with different environs. The environs have their own attractions and detractions as all locales do. One major detraction is the seeming lack of companionship. At least some of this is due to the fact that I have been uprooted from my comfortable, spoiled environment that had been built in several years. However, I started this new life with the assumption that it was a short term situation that had to be endured. Things have not changed and now I am wondering how short the term may be. I am a lonely person by nature to begin with. I can find myself lonely in a crowded room. But being truly lonely is another issue altogether. I have a need for being around people and absorbing from their company many things. Finding myself with few people to spend time with is a sad thing for me. My situation also is farther from certain comforts I had come to take for granted. I know that the Lord has lead me to where I am. I just have no idea why. There lies the problem. The whys and how longs can drive a person insane if not kept in some sort of check. It isn't just the distance between myself and people I had come to rely on. It is the absence of contact. Silence can be the loudest sound on earth. This is probably the most pathetic and self-pitying (and self-pityful) post ever. Sometimes you just have to get things written down and out of your system to truly deal with them. Lets hope this cheap therapy is successful.

Friends

2010-11-18T10:02:00.000-08:00

I have been very overwhelmed the past two or three weeks by God's grace through friendships. I am ridiculously blessed. I have been able to meet up with some guys I really respect for lunch or coffee lately. Brothers in Christ are undeserved and under appreciated by me. I have had several specific instances of care and fellowship of late. A friend of mine who is an intern at the campus ministry I was involved with has met up with me the past two weeks to spend time in the word together. We've read I John 1 and 2 so far. The main theme we have taken from this has been abiding in Christ and His love. This has been so helpful for me in the season I am currently inhabiting. John 15 was referenced as well. Jesus declares Himself to be the vine that we branches must abide in. John 15:5, "I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." He goes on to say, "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full." Christ has saved us. He doesn't call us to follow His commandments so that we can be saved and abide in Him. He is promising that we will abide in Him if we follow His commands which we can only do because He has saved and redeemed us. My friend is faithful to begin our time in prayer seeking the Spirit to reveal the word to us as living and active. The Holy Spirit has met us and made the word alive. Oh, what grace! Another instance that truly stands out occurred this week. I was over at a good friends apartment reading and enjoying their plushy furniture. I began feeling rough. It went on for a while. I wasn't sure if I was just feeling a little weak and dizzy or if an episode was on the way. I talked with my friend there for a while. Finally, it was getting worse and becoming more obvious. He asked if I was okay, and I said I needed to head back to my apartment. He came with me. We had a really great time of fellowship. As I kept feeling worse and then better over and over he would stop the conversation and pray. He prayed that I would not have an episode and that God would meet us and intervene. This went on for a while. Finally, he was about to leave to Skype his girlfriend. As he was heading out the door I went limp (the beginning of an episode). I wasn't able to move or respond at all. He stayed and prayed against the episode and for God to bring me out of it quickly. He specifically prayed that I would be able to open my eyes and start moving. It took a long, hard fight, but I was able to open my eyes and then start moving. I came out of the episode before it had really begun! What care and love poured into my life. I was very struck after he did leave that it was God caring for me through my friend. Anything good I receive from friends is God's grace in their lives. God is with me and providing through so many people. Proverbs 18: 24, "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." I am blessed with many friends that stick close. I do understand the point of the Proverb, however. We need to be intentionally building close friendships and having brothers in Christ who really know who we are and where our souls are. I am blessed to have three or four friends like that. And those that know me best still are my friends. Hard to believe. It's all just grace. I John 1:3-4, "that which we have seen and heard we proclaim also to you, so that you too may have fellowship with us; and indeed our fellowship is with the father and with his Son Jesus Christ. And we are writing these things so that our (or your) joy may be complete." Fellowship with men is meant to lead us to fellowship with our God. I am blessed to say that this has been my experience.

Romans 4:19-21

2010-11-12T09:59:00.000-08:00

"He did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body, which was as good as dead (since he was about a hundred years old), or when he considered the barrenness of Sarah's womb. No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised." I read this at my favorite local coffee shop over a shot in the dark (coffee with espresso). This really hit me because it was so relevant to a conversation I had had the night before and just my season of life. I am withdrawn from school and not working at the moment due to my "health" issues returning. It's another time of enduring circumstances and learning to rest in and depend on the Lord. I believe that He has called me to counseling, and more specifically that He is calling me to Biblical counseling. But when I'm in my last semester and have to hold off again it causes me to doubt that what He has called me to will happen. I worry about finishing and when I'll be able to. I worry about getting into graduate school. I worry about if I'll be able physically or mentally to do graduate school. I worry that spiritually I won't be able to counsel others since I suck at counseling myself so often. I just doubt. Then I sit down and get in God's word and read how Abraham's faith was counted to him as righteousness. Abraham was old. He was near death according to Paul. God comes to him and promises an heir. Promises descendants numerous as the stars. Sarah hasn't born him a child yet. She was barren. Abraham believed God with all this staring him in the face. Wow. I am worried about my circumstances and my abilities. I need to fight for faith like Abraham. God has given him as an example to me. I have the same promises as Abraham through Christ. My feeble faith that God has provided anyway is counted to me as righteousness. I can't earn it. That's exactly where my faith should come from for the fulfillment of God's plans. He provides. He meets us where we are with grace and strength and love. He has saved us. He has met our greatest need in Christ. He will meet the lesser needs and see His purposes through to completion. Not because of me. He will see His will through because it brings Him glory. I can rest in that truth and press on in faith. Oh, what grace!

The World

2010-10-16T08:56:00.000-07:00

I've recently had an opportunity to confess an area of sin in my life that I've dealt with for ten years. I was able to meet with a pastor at my church and the Lord gave grace to confess things I've never told another living soul. I'd always heard people talk about bringing things to the light and how that would help and change things. I am a proud person and a people pleaser so the idea of pulling back the neatly groomed curtain to reveal the nasty mess behind it scared the crap out of me. I have to say that it has been a great experience. I have experienced not only grace from my pastors, but somehow confessing it has changed my attitude toward it and given hope for change. Not to say that I am now perfect or that that sin is over and done with. But it is out there. I have people who are ready, willing, and able to bear this burden with me and encourage me in my fight. Anyway, to the point given by the title of the post. I often struggle with a love of the world. There are sins in my life that directly contradict the Lord's established way and plan for me. It's so much easier to be led by my preferences and desires than to seek God's will and plan for me. The world is there offering all that our sinful desires want on a silver platter. And the world tells us that if we follow God's plan we miss out. We will be unhappy and unsatisfied. I can tell you from experience that seeking what my flesh wanted didn't lead to happiness and satisfaction. It has led me to unbelievable lows and things that I never thought I would experience much less make it through. Scripture is very clear about how the Christian should view the world. I John 2:15-17, "Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the lover of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world-the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions-is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever." Trading an eternity of good for a short time of happy seems foolish. The present happy seems better because it is present. It requires faith to endure hardships and losses in this temporary world looking ahead to an eternity of joy and fellowship with God. How can we fight our flesh and the world? Romans 12:2, "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." The easy way is rarely the best way. Good things take work and effort. This life is hard. If things seem easy you are probably doing something wrong. That's my experience anyway. The easy times are usually followed by the worst. But regardless there is grace extended through Christ's death on the cross. Seek that grace and humble yourself. Confess where you are and pull back those curtains. You might be surprised what a little light can do to that nastiness you've been hiding.

Non-confrontational is not a good thing...

2010-08-11T05:00:00.000-07:00

Why do we make life so complicated? The other week there was a message at church from Matthew 18. The part that my life needed application was verses 15-17. http://www.esvstudybible.org/search?q=Matthew+18:15-17
As I took notes and listened I was very convicted. The past month or two have seen some very trying times for me. There have been bad interactions with people, lies from friends I thought would never lie, and some of the same old crap continued. As I write this I am reminded that I still haven't applied the message. I need to confront some people about things. I did exactly what I shouldn't have. I talked with people about these things when I should have talked with the people involved. I didn't go to my brother and try to resolve things. I am a fear of man person. I hate confrontation. I would rather (and usually do) just take things and then let them fester in myself. This makes for an outwardly peaceful situation. However, it allows sin to grow within me and bitterness to develop. I realized through this message that my point of view has become hardened and expect people to sin against me. I've noticed a trend to avoid people again. This is not good. It hasn't been much work avoiding people for the most part. With work and moving recently I have only seen my tried and true friends who make time regardless. What a gift such friends are! If you want to check out this message go for it! http://www.cornerstonechurchofknoxville.com/media/sermons/the-fathers-pursuing-love/

Psalm 51

2010-04-23T06:01:00.000-07:00

So, first post in a while. I'll have to update on everything soon, but today I just wanted to post something about a chapter in Psalms that I have really been trying to apply to my life lately. Psalm 51 is about a repentant heart. It is "A Psalm of David, when Nathan the prophet went to him, after he had gone in to Bathsheba." David was a man after God's own heart. However, he had gone astray. He had had a woman's husband killed in battle to cover up the fact that he had slept with his wife and was not the father of the child she was going to have. How could this happen to the man after God's own heart. The emphasis should on MAN after God's own heart. David was still a man. He was a sinner. He needed grace. He needed the Lord. This Psalm begins with such a poignant line,
" Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions." (verse 1)
This verse reveals David's status before the Lord and the Lord's character. David has transgressed against the Lord. He has broken God's commands. He has rebelled against God's will. He appeals to God through His character. He knows God's love is steadfast. He knows God's mercy is abundant. He would not appeal to God unless he knew He was a merciful God who would hear his cry. This should encourage us to do the same. God is beyond our comprehension. He holds mercy and love and is the only one who can blot out our sin.
" Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment." (verse 4)
David realizes that His sin opposes God. His sin is against his Lord. He knows that God is holy and therefore sets the standard. It is God's standard that was broken not man's. He realizes that his state is before the Lord. His sinful state separates him from the Lord. He must rely on God's mercy for him. That is the only way he can escape destruction.
"Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow." (verse 7)
"Hide your face from my sins,
and blot out all my iniquities." (verse 9)
He knows that his sin is against God, so it is God he must appeal to for a reprieve. Man cannot set him free from his sin,and David can not set himself free from his own sin.
" Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from your presence,
and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit." (verses 10-12)
David knows that God must create a clean spirit in him. He must depend on the Lord to change Him. Only Christ can cause true change in the sinful heart of man. He knows he needs the presence and Spirit of the Lord in him. Only God can restore his joy and sustain him. We are all dependent on God whether we acknowledge it or not. He has created our bodies to work and sustain our lives. Every breath is from Him. Every function of out body is enabled by Him. He sovereignly holds us together. Beyond this He also sustains our souls. He enables us to fight sin and the fruits of this world. We can endure the evil we must endure because of the fall of man through His Spirit and grace. We can only have this through Christ's saving work on the cross. Praise the Lord He has made this available! What can we do in return? What can we offer to the Lord God, creator of heaven and earth and source of all created things? He gives us all, so what is left for us to give?
"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." (verse 17)
We should fight to offer a repentant heart to our Lord and Savior. It pleases Him when we by His grace turn from our sin and realize its true nature opposed to God. We can turn from sin and turn to God through Christ, our mediator and through His gift of His Holy Spirit we can truly change and fight sin and have some victory over sin in this life. How amazing! What grace that we can fight sin as mortal men in this fallen world. This should motivate us to fight. We have been set free and given such a gift. I pray that I would press on and work toward this goal. I pray that the Lord would motivate your heart today to do the same. Cry out in dependence on the Lord as David did. Read through Psalm 51. Pray through it. http://www.esvstudybible.org/search?q=Psalms+51

Savior

2009-12-14T23:14:00.000-08:00

I was writing down some thoughts tonight in my notebook. I was basically ranting about how much I feel that I've lost myself in the past year and a half of life. Needless to say I was complaining and feeling sorry for myself. My counselor says I have to avoid the Southern "poor thing" complex. Without really thinking about it I stopped for a moment and flipped back several pages and began to read. What I read was very helpful. It was an entry from September. It was soon after my episode that broke the longest episode free streak. I was writing about my reaction to it and a dear friend's helpful advice. Anyway, to get to the point of this post, I had written about Matthew 14 when Jesus walked on the water. More specifically, when Peter stepped out in faith and screwed it up. He was bold and trusted the Lord enough to get out of the boat. The guy has me beat there for the most part! But when he got out and saw the waves he lost sight of Jesus and began to drown. The next part is the important part. Matthew 14:30, "But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, 'Lord, save me.'" He cried out. My tendency when I sink and screw up is unfortunately not first to cry out to the Lord. I want to either try to fix it, or in this case swim, or give in, or in this case sink. But the next verse is just as important. Matthew 14:31, "Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, 'O you of little faith, why did you doubt?'" The first part is most impressive to me. "Immediately" he reached in and grabbed Peter. He didn't give a lecture and then save him. He saved him first. He answered Peter's cries. I have to remember that God doesn't respond to my cries for help because of my standing with him. He answers because of Christ's standing with him imparted to me through Christ's work on the cross. I can cry out in faith. My God is mighty to save and merciful to save. He has promised grace to the humble. In humility I should cry out. It is the only way I can be saved.

Grace to the Humble

2009-09-17T10:32:00.000-07:00

I just made it through two tests today. One was supposed to happen Tuesday, and I was pretty much ready. I got to study more, but not at much as I would have liked. This week has had some intense times of anxiety. I have had to fight my flesh's anxious tendency like crazy! But I found scripture to be true.
Proverbs 3:34
"Toward the scorners he is scornful, but to the humble he gives favor."
James 4:6
"But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, 'God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.'"
I got to walk that out this week. I had to fight my anxious flesh's tendency. I studied for both tests, but I was constantly anxious either the time I was spending of what I was focusing on was not going to prepare me for the test. I had to seriously humble myself and cry out to the Lord. I had to give up my idea of control and rest in God's true sovereign control. He answered my prayers for my studying to be fruitful and my tests to be based on the material I had studied. I also got to see how blessed I am. My parents, siblings, and many friends were also praying for me and pointing me to truth. One friend in particular pointed me to Matthew 6 where it tells us to trust in God and not be anxious. God provided for my needs. He put me in a situation where I had to give my anxiety over to Him and grow in trusting Him. God used this week to sanctify me! Praise the Lord for his work in my life! He isn't finished with me yet. I am a work in progress.

It's a Friday

2009-09-11T13:29:00.000-07:00

Whew...survived another week. Made it through my first test pretty well. Now I just have to start studying for my two tests next week. But God gives grace unmeasured. Friday's are a nice time to look at the week that has just transpired and look ahead to the weekend. This weekend will mostly entail studying, but I will have some time for fellowship and activities. Care group is tonight. I am excited. Care groups are small groups in my church that meet in homes and are intended to foster greater fellowship and care for individuals within the larger church setting. We will be discussing the message Sunday on joy which was amazing. It was about joy in trials. You can go to http://www.cornerstonechurchofknoxville.com/ to download the message, Bliss in Trials. It will serve your soul especially if you are in a trial or affliction now. I am excited about worshiping, praying, discussing the message, and just talking and fellowshipping with everyone. This weekend probably won't be the most fun or relaxing weekend, but I hope to fight for diligence. I am going to be helping with the recycling at the game. We'll see how that goes. That will probably be worth a post alone this weekend with me! As the free time of the weekend begins remember Piper's call to arms: don't waste your life!

Reflections on a Day in the Life of JRam

2009-09-09T20:32:00.001-07:00

God met me in many different ways today. As I was leaving my one and only class today I ran into a friend. A newer friend who I don't know very well. We stopped to catch up. It was a Holy Spirit moment. She was so excited to see me at school. She knew about my health issues. She just was so excited for me and kept praising the Lord for intervening. She later on facebook told me that she was really anxious about classes and just stressed out. The Lord used that interaction to remind her of his grace in school and his faithfulness. God used it to remind me of his grace in my life specifically with school. I tend to be a discontented complainer by nature. God has been convicting me of complaining about school when I didn't think I'd be here a few months ago becaus of debilitating health concerns. What grace! I also got to study and hang out with a friend. She changed here routine to serve me and took me grocery shopping before she dropped me off at the house. She has been a constant source of grace from the Lord in my life. Once I got home I fixed a dinner for some friends. It was so nice to not think about school as I diced garlic, sauteed onion and bell peppers, and reduced the alfredo sauce. There was a busy-ness about it, but it was so relaxing to accomplish something that was not school related and the reward was more tangible. Also, it was so fun to host a meal and feed dear friends who have served me so many times and so well. The fellowship was so refreshing. It was nice to just catch up with friends. I then realized I had readings. I got them done by the grace of God without major freaking out. I called a friend and asked for prayer. He prayed for me over the phone. He is a faithful friend who serves my soul well, but also seeks constantly to serve me practically. God is at work. He has radically changed sinners through Christ's work on the cross. We are no longer who we were. We are new creations in Christ. How kind of the Lord to provide a day to remember that. Thanks to everyone who is mentioned in this post. You are measures of God's grace in my life. God is at work. How can people say he isn't real. He is so much more "real" than anything this temporary world has to offer.

Proverbs 18:1

2009-09-08T17:33:00.000-07:00

Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire;
he breaks out against all sound judgment.

A friend pointed me to this scripture today. It was ironic because I used to point another friend to this passage frequently. I used to be the opposite of this passage. I used to always be hanging out with people and having fellowship. But oftentimes this lead to idolatry of relationships or a dependence on interactios with others for my experience of God. As one friend put it, "piggy-backing" spiritually. Now it seems I've reached the other end of the spectrum. I've changed a lot over the past year. I have become much more introverted. With school giving readings and homework it is so easy to withdraw into my cave (aka room) and hide from the world. This is not good! As a Christian I need fellowship with believers, and most of all I need accountability. Left to myself I can grow lazy in the fight against my flesh. I don't want to, "break out against all sound judgment." Luckily, I had the opportunity to spend the time with that dear brother in Christ and other friends today. God has richly blessed me with friends and a church family. I have no excuse! If this sounds a little too familiar to you I encourage you to call a friend (or however many it takes) and set up an intentional time to catch up, talk, encourage, correct, and just enjoy time spent with a fellow believer. It will nourish your soul and help point your gaze off of the mirror and to the cross.

"...but the Lord establishes his steps."

2009-09-07T16:09:00.000-07:00

Proverbs 16:9
"The heart of man lans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps."
The Lord brought this verse to mind as I sat there planning the next week. As I added personal, school, and church activities to my REALSIMPLE calendar (I highly recommend this calendar!) I got anxious. I have a test coming up Friday, lunch plans most days. Dinner and excercise planned different days. And then there are the normal readings and such that come with being a college student. AAAAAAAAAH! Insert straight jacket here. My heart became anxious. I had to stop and pray this verse and remind myself of its truth. I can plan all day, but God in his sovereignty will establish my steps. I don't have to freak out or be anxious. I can rest in the sovereignty of my God and Savior and remember another promise. Romans 8:28-30, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified." Wow! What a promise. Such a powerful, eternal promise is good to remember in the anxieties of the daily grind. God has promised to conform us to his Son through all things. That is what our good is. Praise the Lord he is at work in the lives of the redeemed!

Amazing Grace

2009-09-05T20:12:00.000-07:00

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

T'was Grace that taught...
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.

The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures.

When we've been here ten thousand years...
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise...
then when we've first begun.

May this be the meditation of our hearts and minds. Psalm 19:14 says, "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer." Meditating on the work of Christ and the grace he procured for us is acceptable to God. Phillipians 4:8 would encourage us to dwell on this as it states, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, thank about these things."

The Theme of Grace

2009-08-31T09:27:00.000-07:00

In the past few weeks as I have returned to school and been having conversations with people around campus I have been reminded of God's grace in my life over the past year. While things were hard and challenged me to the core God's grace was still the underlying theme. Some days it took a little effort to see it, but it was always there. Whether it was people always being there during episodes or even now a timely conversation to remind me that it is the grace of Christ that I can even be in school and I should not complain about homework! No matter how bad things were Christ remained the same. He had completed the work of salvation on the cross. Grace is best described in this context in 2 Corinthians 12. Verses 9 and 10 state, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." Paul clearly describes what Christ has done in my life this past year. In my weakest moments Christ's power shown through in that I survived and he guarded my life and salvation. He kept me through it all. His grace was sufficient. Grace Greater than Our Sin states it well.
Marvelous grace of our loving Lord,
Grace that exceeds our sin and our guilt!
Yonder on Calvary’s mount outpoured,
There where the blood of the Lamb was spilled.

Refrain

Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
Grace that is greater than all our sin.

Sin and despair, like the sea waves cold,
Threaten the soul with infinite loss;
Grace that is greater, yes, grace untold,
Points to the refuge, the mighty cross.

Refrain

Dark is the stain that we cannot hide.
What can avail to wash it away?
Look! There is flowing a crimson tide,
Brighter than snow you may be today.

Refrain

Marvelous, infinite, matchless grace,
Freely bestowed on all who believe!
You that are longing to see His face,
Will you this moment His grace receive?

Refrain

Words:Julia H. Johnston
Music:Daniel B. Towner

The refuge of every day is the cross. The "perfect" day when we feel we are doing well is due to the work of Christ in our lives (though if we think we are doing well we probably aren't relying on Christ as we should). Self-righteousness is as great a sin as failure. When we don't think we can make it through the rest of the day and cry out with "groanings too deep for words," (Romans 8:26) that work is sufficent still. Cling to the cross. Hold with all your might, and when that fails cling with the grace that Christ procured for you on that same cross.

God's Promise

2009-06-01T14:03:00.000-07:00

I have begun the book Spiritual Depression by Matyn Lloyd-Jones. Chapter 6 is titled, "Vain Regrets." This chapter deals with regret that Christians who were saved later in life may suffer from. For me personally it ministered to my recent ability to wallow in regret over sin in this season of adversity. Depression's resulting sins like unbelief or hardness of heart can heap condemnation and lead one to wish that you had never been born because you have made such a mess of things. But this is where we must bring the gospel in. If we are truly saved there is no amount of unbelief or no hardness of heart that is beyond the finished work of Christ on the cross. I Corinthians 15:8-10 gives Paul's answer to this problem. "But by the grace of God, I am what I am." Paul realized that he was a new creation and dwelling on his past sinful life only kept him from realizing God's plan for Him in the present. Lloyd-Jones go on to reference Joel 2:25 and speak of God's promises of restoration. "This was the word he (Joel) was given to utter: 'I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten'. He has promised to do it; He can do it. The wasted years, the barren years, the years that the locusts and the canker-worms and the caterpillars and all these other things have devoured, until there was nothing apparently left of them He says: 'I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten'. If you think of it in terms of what you can do with your strength and power, then time is of the essence of the contract. But we are in a realm in which that does not matter. He comes in and He can give us a crop in one year that will make up for ten--'I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten'. That is the character of our Master, that is our Saviour, that is our God. I say, therefore, in the light of this: Never look back again; never waste your time in the present; never waste your energy; forget the past and rejoice in the fact that you are what you are by the grace of God, and that in the Divine alchemy of His marvelous grace you may yet ave the greatest surprise of your life and existence and find that even in your case it will come to pass that the last shall be first. Praise God for the fact that you are what you are, and that you in the Kingdom." This was so encouraging for me and I wanted to pass it on to others that it may encourage them as well. I highly recommend the book to anyone struggling with depression or anyone at all.

The Valley of the Shadow of Death Part 2

2009-03-29T16:05:00.000-07:00

Faith is a very important thing to have. Without it you make some very bad decisions and it can lead to a lot of sin. Things have been very rough physically lately. Joint pain has been progressively worse. Ibuprofen stopped working and now Aleve has stopped helping. As thing have been progressively worsening. On top of all this I have been slowly and almost imperceptibly slipping into depression. Instead of my usual quick swing of emotion my emotions slowly changed and lead me to hopelessness and despair. I had people trying to spend time with me and serve me, but I used my not feeling well as my excuse to withdraw and hide out. I even had people over at my house, but I kept away from them. I isolated myself. I got to the point that I hurt myself again. I scratched my arm until I broke the skin. Then I found a pair of scissors and scratched my arm. It wasn't anything dangerous or deep, but the damage wasn't physical anyway. I finally texted a friend and told her. She in turn texted other friends. I got two phone calls and a text within five minutes of texting her. I am blessed with friends who are measures of the Lord's grace. They came up alongside me as much as I would let them. They spoke truth to me. My best friend told me to go to the people in my house and ask them to pray. I didn't because I was still too withdrawn to do that. I wish I had. He reminded me of salvation and that Christ's grace is sufficient and that in my weakness his strength is shown through. The friend I first texted talked with me online and encouraged me with the same truth. It was hard. Depression or whatever you want to call it is difficult. I think it is mostly spiritual for me. It always matches up with lack of faith or being anxious instead of trusting the Lord. The easiest way to deal with out of control emotions is to become numb to them. However, that emotion and stress must be released somehow. The pain is a release of that emotion and stress. It is a temporary release. It is a quick fix. There is only one way to forever deal with anxiety and stress. I Peter 5:6-7 says, "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." We have a God who cares. He is willing and able to bear our burdens if we will only cast them to him in humility. We cannot deal with this on our own. We have to die to ourselves and our self-sufficiency and realize that only God can take the anxiety and stress away. He has promised us a "peace of God, which surpasses all understanding," (Philippians 4:7). The only source of this peace is trusting in the Lord.

Will Not Be Moved

2009-03-29T15:28:00.000-07:00

I listened to this Natalie Grant song today. It reminded me of truth that I needed to be reminded of. Christ is our solid rock and firm foundation especially in the storms and droughts of life. I hope the lyrics minister to others as well.

Lyrics to Will Not Be Moved :
I have been the wayward child
I have acted out
I have questioned Sovereignty
And had my share of doubt
And though sometimes my prayers feel like
They're bouncing off the sky
The hand I hold won't let me go
And is the reason why...

[Chorus:]
I will stumble
I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

Bitterness has plagued my heart
Many times before
My life has been like broken glass
And I have kept the score
Of all my shattered dreams and though it seemed
That I was far too gone
My brokenness helped me to see
It's grace I'm standing on

[Chorus]

And the chaos in my life
Has been a badge I've worn
Though I have been torn
I will not be moved

[Chorus]
[ Will Not Be Moved Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]

Jars of Clay

2009-03-02T11:11:00.000-08:00

I met with a dear friend last week. It was last minute. I had had another episode and a friend of mine encouraged me to meet with someone. The friend I met with is an intern in my campus ministry. I had been very discouraged and felt that I was going back into the inevitable valley after being in a state of spiritual mountain top. He encouraged me with 2 Corinthians 4:

"7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. 8 We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; 10 always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. 11 For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. 12 So death is at work in us, but life in you.

13 Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, 'I believed, and so I spoke,' we also believe, and so we also speak, 14 knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. 15 For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God."

This spoke to my situation well. God is sovereign. He is in control. He sets limits to what can happen to us. In Job 2 Satan is given permission to test Job.

"3 And the Lord said to Satan, 'Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away from evil? He still holds fast his integrity, although you incited me against him to destroy him without reason.' 4 Then Satan answered the Lord and said, 'Skin for skin! All that a man has he will give for his life. 5 But stretch out your hand and touch his bone and his flesh, and he will curse you to your face.' 6 And the Lord said to Satan, 'Behold, he is in your hand; only spare his life.'"

God allowed Satan to go after Job. This can seem unfair and cruel. We can tend to question God's motives. However, we get so caught up that we miss a very important part of this story. God was in control. He set limits to what Satan can do. Satan does not have free reign over us even in this world. God can set the line that Satan can't cross. 1 Corinthians 10:13 states the God will not allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear. This doesn't mean that He won't allow us to be tempted beyond what we as humans can bear but beyond what we can bear as people in Christ with His Holy Spirit. It doesn't mean things will be easy. He's promised us the opposite in this life. Hebrews 12:7 states that we must endure because God is disciplining us as sons. He is using the bad circumstances and trials that Satan carries out on us for our good. He wins. And if we are in Him that means we win as well. In 2 Corinthians 4 Paul gives more encouragement.

"16 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self [3] is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."

We have to get our eyes to look beyond this life-what is seen. Our hope is not in what is seen. If it were we would have no hope. Our hope is in what we have not seen but have been told of. The promises of God are our hope. The promise of salvation, eternal life in Christ, dwelling with God for eternity. These promises are true. We have to fight what the world, Satan, and our flesh tells us. Emotions, thoughts, and worldly "wisdom" are lies that we must fight. We must keep the objective truth of the gospel in our gaze constantly. That is our hope and our strength in times of need.

Purpose=glorify God!

2009-02-17T17:35:00.000-08:00

During this season of adversity it has been hard know what my purpose or role is. Not being able to serve in the ways I used to or even want to has been hard. Especially in the darker days I have wondered if my purpose is just to suffer. Through the word and many conversations with Christian friends the answer to my question has been discovered. I Corinthians 10:31, "So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." Whether we are serving in our church or campus ministry every day all the time or we are just showing up at church and corporate meetings we are called to glorify Christ. There is specific scripture dealing with glorifying God through suffering. I Peter 4:12-13 says, "Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed." In verse 16 is goes on to say, "Yet if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in that name." Even when health is bad and we are not able to serve or strive in ways we used you we can still bring glory to the Lord. Walking out trials and adversity while depending on the Lord and the grace of Christ is one of the best ways to glorify our Lord and Savior. Hebrews 12:7a says, "It is for discipline that you have to endure." Romans 5:3-5 tells of how important endurance in suffering is. "More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." This is how we can have faith that adversity is for our good. Hebrews 12:7b says, "God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?" So, my purpose right now is to endure these trials and bring God glory through this time. I have to keep my eyes on the gospel and Christ. Basically, my purpose is not any different now than it was a year or ago or even two years ago. Our purpose on Earth and when we get to heaven is the same-glorify God!

Adversity=Love

2009-02-06T19:33:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I really wrote anything on the blog (or at least anything worth taking the time to read it). The past two weeks have brought two episodes, spiritual lows and despair, and spiritual highs and joy. I had an episode two weeks ago yesterday. I also had an episode yesterday. Between those two happenings the Lord did an amazing work. After the first episode I lost hope and faith. I had gone two months roughly without an episode. I was finally having faith that my ordeal might be over. However, God was not through with this. He still had big plans. I went into a depression after that first episode. I was feeling so sorry for myself. I could not look beyond my circumstances. I had no faith that God was hearing my prayers or that He even cared about me. Two weeks ago at church the message was on faith which was exactly what I needed to hear. The Lord changed my heart that I was desiring faith and I was seeking faith. The Lord answered my prayers. The message this last Sunday was regarding adversity. The text was Hebrews 12.

"3 Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. 4 In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5 And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
nor be weary when reproved by him.
6 For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and chastises every son whom he receives.”

7 It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 8 If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. 9 Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? 10 For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. 11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."

God's love for us is shown through adversity. I know in our prosperity centered culture this may not seem to make sense. But God is drawing out sin and causing us to draw near to Him. He reveals our need for Him. When this last episode happened I had all this truth to speak to myself. I was able to fight anxiety and to trust in God. This is for my good! His word promises that this is for my good.
I was sitting there at my campus ministry listening to the message. It just hit me. I started falling asleep. I was slumped over in the seat. The person sitting next to me didn't know what was happening. He tried to wake me up. He thought I had just fallen asleep. Luckily someone who knew what was happening came over. She got people together who had been through this with me before. As I started seizing a group of guys grabbed me and took me out into the hall. I had someone holding me head and neck to keep me from hurting that. I had someone holding each arm and leg. I had a registered nurse friend walking me through it. My friends went straight to prayer! How encouraging. I got to see the body of Christ come together to care for me. God is so good. People were serving me with joy! One of my roommates got his car and the guys carried me out to it. A friend of mine came with us. He stayed the night and the next day. While I was waiting to be able to move or speak he asked specific questions about needs I might have or if I was comfortable. Later that night when I could talk he drew me out about how to best serve me when I am going through an episode. God was so kind to pour out grace in the midst of the hard time. He gave me faith that He was in control and was caring for me. This is only possible because Christ came as a man while God and lived a perfect life and died for all sin. The disobedience I had done that separated me from God was taken away by Christ once and for all. That is why I can trust in Him and why I can endure hardship. Philippians 4 is a good place to go. It is promised we can do all things through Christ. God is caring for me not just in but through this hardship. He is training me and correcting me through this trial. It is for my good! God is showing His love for me that He is not leaving me in my sin. Praise the Lord!

Hope

2009-01-28T05:55:00.000-08:00

The word hope has been thrown around a lot lately. Politicians like to promise they will bring it. People try to find it in job security, money, friends, spouses, children, or whatever else they love or desire in life. I have been trying to hope in deliverance from health issues. The past few months have been hard. I had 6 episodes in 2 months. I was constantly tired and wiped out. Being a college student and trying to keep up with work as you miss classes and are fatigued constantly is difficult. But the Lord took this difficult time and built my faith. I made it through the semester with two B+s and two Bs. The Lord gave me favor with professors so that they gave me extensions on papers and assignments. This has given me faith as I enter a new semester. Okay, so I'm sure you are wondering where this is going to come back to hope. What is this hope I have for this semester? Why should I believe that because this one semester worked out this new one will? Because my hope is not in grades, professors, health, or anything of this world. My hope is in Christ. Romans 8:32 explains why, "He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" I can have hope that this will all work out because I am now in Christ. If God would send His son to earth to live among men and humble Himself and submit himself to death for us how can we not believe that He cares enough to intervene in the small things? The hope of Christ is eternal. Hebrews 10:14 says, "For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified." This hope endures all things. I Timothy 4:10 says, "For to this end we toil and strive, because we have our hope set on the living God, who is the Savior of all people, especially of those who believe." We can continue to work for Christ and fight temptation because of the hope of Christ. We have been promised a "kingdom that cannot be shaken," (Hebrews 12) because of what Christ has done. Our hope is eternal. That makes this temporary world and its trials and struggles so much easier to bear.

Where the Rubber Meets the Road

2008-11-02T18:27:00.000-08:00

So, things have developed quite a bit. I saw a specialist at Vanderbilt. I got a diagnosis of conversion disorder. If you would like to learn more about this you can follow the link: http://www.emedicine.com/emerg/TOPIC112.HTM to read up on it. Basically it is a psychological disorder with physical symptoms. The good news is that I don't need to be on medication. The bad news is that until the psychological issue is resolved there is nothing that can be done about the episodes. I have had an episode each week through all of October and now in November. I had a small episode this morning. It has been hard lately. I have been battling depression which has caused increasingly intense pain and fatigue. It is a daily battle to decide whether or not to get out of bed in the mornings. Some days it just doesn't seem worth it to do anything. Still, through all this the Lord has been faithful. He has provided timely emails from friends when I needed truth the most. The hardest thing lately is that I have been withdrawing from activities and even just hanging out. I just don't have a desire to hang out with people. Every time I hang out with people the entire conversation is about what is going on with me. I know that people are trying to care for me and want to know specific ways to pray for me, but it is causing me to dwell on what is going on. I do that well enough on my own. The Lord has been teaching me that if I dwell on what is happening I will fall into depression and lose hope. I have to lift my gaze above what is happening and look to Christ and what he is doing for me and how he is caring for me through this. When I focus on Christ I remember that my greatest need is met. I am saved. Sin, my greatest enemy has been defeated. Even if this is something I struggle with for the rest of this mortal life I have eternity in the presence of Christ with a perfect body to look forward to. It is just easy to say you are going to focus on Christ and hard to actually do it. When your circumstances loom over you and seem to be in control it is hard to have faith to look above them. But when we do it is only because of the grace of Christ. It brings him glory when we look above our circumstances. He is sovereign over our lives and he will not give us more than we can bear. We must have faith in that. That is why we have trials. Our faith is tested. Untested faith means very little. But if we can come out the other side of the trials with our faith intact that faith is pleasing to the Lord. This life was never promised to be easy, but if our hope is in Christ the problems in our lives will not seem in control. That doesn't mean that we won't struggle in trials or give in to our anxieties when we are saved. But it means that we serve a faithful God who will enable us to fight the anxiety and overcome it sometimes by his grace. That is what keeps us going and that is our hope.

Sunrise

2008-10-19T19:18:00.000-07:00

The Lord is so kind. He gives us all we need. I was having a rough time and trying to study and just enjoy a moment of normalcy which is a fleeting pleasure lately. I had made a playlist entitled, "Post Episode Playlist." I had gone through most of my songs in my collection and tried to pick out the ones that would serve me best after one of my sleep paralysis/seizure/spasm episodes. I added Nichole Nordeman's song Sunrise on a whim and it was exactly what I needed to hear. I thought the lyrics might encourage someone else like they encouraged me. So, here they are:

If I had the chance
To go back again
Take a different road, bear a lighter load
Tell an easy story

I would walk away
With my yesterdays
And I would not trade what is broken for beauty only

Every valley
Every bitter chill
Made me ready to climb back up the hill And find that…

(Chorus)
You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You’re my horizon
You’re the light of a new dawn
So thank you, thank you
That after the long night, you are sunrise

There’s a moment when
Faith caves in
There’s a time when every soul is certain God is gone

But every shadow is evidence of sun
And every tomorrow holds out hope for us
For every one of us

(Chours)

You alone will shine
You alone can resurrect this heart of mine

(Chours)

You are sunrise

Wow. What encouragement! I have been having increasing number and severity of my episodes. I had 2 sleep episodes and two seizure/spasm episodes within 10 days. Now I've had two more sleep episodes the last of which included 6 or 7 seizing/spasm instances. It has been hard. I can't lie and say that it hasn't. I have struggled with feelings that this is a punishment from God. I have struggled with not wanting to get out of bed in the morning (and some days not getting out of bed in the morning). I have struggled with wondering why I am even here if I can only crawl through and be a burden for everyone around me. Well, there is only one answer that can bring about change in all these areas. I have to find joy in the midst of sorrow. John Piper can explain this better than I can, "Nevertheless Paul makes the astonishing statement in 2 Corinthians 6:10 that what marks his life and should mark ours is “sorrowful, yet always rejoicing.” This is what makes our sorrow godly. I do not claim that this experience is simple or that we can even put it into adequate words—what it means to be joyful in sorrow. Heaving sobs at the loss of a loved one does not look like joy. Indeed is not joy in its fullness, as we will know it when “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away” (Revelation 21:4).
Rather the joy that endures through sorrow is the foretaste of that future joy in God which we hope for in the future. When Jesus was “very sorrowful, even to death” in Gethsemane he was sustained by “the joy that was set before him” (Hebrews 12:2). This does not mean that he felt in the garden or on the cross all that he would feel in the resurrection. But it does mean that he hoped in it and that this hope was an experienced foretaste of that joy. Therefore, we groan here, waiting for the redemption of our bodies and for the removal of all our sins (Romans 8:23). This groaning and grieving is godly if it is molded by our delight in hope of glory (Romans 5:2-3). The delight is muffled by the pain. But it is there in seed form. It will one day grow into a great vine that yields wine of undiluted delight. So let us embrace whatever sorrow God appoints for us. Let us not be ashamed of tears. Let the promise that joy comes with the morning (Psalm 30:5) sustain and shape our grief with the power and goodness of God." Wow, heavy stuff. But we must remember that if we are a new creation Christ is in us. The one who endured sorrow with joy is now in us! We have hope in that. He has promised to conform us to his image. Our hope like Christ should be in the glory that is to come. We are promised a new body and that we will be exalted in Christ. We have not been promised an easy, fun, perfect life here and now. We live in a fallen world with sin surrounding us. Things are going to stink here. Just read Job. This has been going on since Adam and Eve rebelled against God's will. 2 Corinthians 5 says it well, "5:1 For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. 2 For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling, 3 if indeed by putting it on [1] we may not be found naked. 4 For while we are still in this tent, we groan, being burdened—not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. 5 He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee. 6 So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, 7 for we walk by faith, not by sight. 8 Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. 9 So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him."

Humility the Hard Way

2008-10-04T08:50:00.000-07:00

God must look down on me from Heaven and say, "Okay, bud. We can do this the easy way or the hard way. You can trust me and die to yourself and stop relying on yourself and fall on my grace, or we can go through all this craziness again. Your call." Well, the past couple of weeks my call has been the hard way. Since my last post I have been struggling with more suicidal thoughts. One day this week I was walking around town between work and school and I just crossed the street without looking. It wasn't because I wasn't thinking. I was definitely thinking just those thoughts were not good. Also, I was sitting in the library studying and the thought just came into my mind to scratch my arm. It wasn't itching. I just wanted to scratch myself. I just kept scratching and scratching. This went on for at least 30 or 40 minutes. I scratched through the first layer of skin on my arm. I still have a scab. It is healing though. Which to me is symbolic of how I've been living lately. When you scratch at the flesh and give it what it wants there are repercussions. We leave scars and scabs. But there is one who heals those scabs. Christ took on our scars and scabs of sin on the cross. That is how our flesh is healed. His blood is the ointment that washes our scars away. Paul in Philippians 2 says, "5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." Hebrews 12 encourages us not to grow weary by stating, "3 Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. 4 In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood." Christ shed his blood. He endured all the wrath meant for those who he had predestined to save! Think about that! How trivial our trials seem compared to that. We have it easy. God lets us go it on our own for a period of time so we can learn where that leads. For me it leads to suicidal thoughts, anxiety, self-mutilation, and despair. But there is hope. I was in the pit of despair. I hit rock bottom and had to look up. That is grace! My pit had a bottom! Hell doesn't have a bottom! Praise the Lord! Psalm 40:2 states this so well, "He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure." My steps are secure on the rock of salvation-Jesus Christ!

Grace Overwhelming

2008-09-27T07:53:00.000-07:00

Hey, guys. Yeah, so my last post was pretty intense. The Lord has been pouring out grace since then. He has blessed me with friends who point me to him. My accountability partners preach the gospel to me and remind me that I am saved! My greatest need is met. They also remind me that we serve a sovereign God who loves us and does what is best for us according to his will. 1 Peter is becoming my book. In chapter 4 Peter encourages the church by writing to them, "Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed," (verses 12 and 13). Wow, that is a lot to unpack in a couple of verses. We should not be surprised by trials. I don't know about you, but my flesh is always telling me, "Where did this come from?" Well, that is deception. We are in a fallen world. We will have trials and tribulations. The Bible clearly tells us this. II Corinthians 1 is helpful in this instance as to one reason why we undergo trials. Beginning in verse 3 Paul relates to the Corinthians, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too," (verses 3-5). If there is no other reason for suffering, the Lord will use our affliction to comfort someone else. We can relate to others in a personal way. I know Tuesday night when I was in the valley of the shadow of death I felt like I was alone and no one could understand where I was. I Corinthians 10:13 is a good answer to that sinful response. "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." How can we not have faith in light of this? He has provided a way of escape-Christ Jesus! He died on the cross so that we can escape sin and its ultimate result-eternal death in hell. How can we despair if we are covered in the blood of Christ and are eternally positioned in him? We must trust in the Lord and his sovereignty because he cares for us (I Peter 5:6-7).

The Valley of the Shadow of Death

2008-09-24T08:12:00.001-07:00

Wow, where to begin. So, last night I went through hell. I became overwhelmed for no apparent reason as I have become apt to do. At least I haven't faced up to the reason yet. So, I go home after studying with a friend, no he's more like a brother. Anyway, he encouraged me to head to bed and get some rest. I just felt so overwhelmed. I got on gmail. He was on and asked me why I wasn't going to bed and if everything was okay. It wasn't. I was feeling desperate. I felt alone. I felt like no one understood what I was going through. I felt like no one could understand what I was going through. I felt completely alone. I was so overwhelmed that I just wanted to die. I was in a major depressive state. I have never experienced anything like this before. I would try to cry out to God, but I had no faith, no hope, nothing. I felt that he had left me and had abandoned me. I kept thinking of ways that I could escape all this. I was entertaining thoughts of suicide. I was so desperate. Well, a few other friends were also on gmail. I am so blessed to have friends who care for me and speak truth to me. For the first time in my life I was angry with God. Not a good place to be. I was so deceived by my sin and circumstances that I couldn't look beyond them. I couldn't lift my gaze to the cross. No wonder I was so desperate. I was trying to fight this on my own and wondering why the Lord wasn't answering. I had no faith, but I had plenty of pride. I need to kill that pride in my life. The Lord has promised grace to the humble. Psalm 149:4 says, "For the Lord takes pleasure in his people; he adorns the humble with salvation." What a promise! James 4:6-10 is a perfect place to see the Lord's promise for the humble. "But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, 'God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.' Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you." The Lord was kind enough to humble me when I wouldn't humble myself. No wonder I felt so hopeless, helpless, and desperate. I was trying to trust in my own self and my ability. I can't. I can't do anything on my own. I am helpless. I am hopeless. I should be desperate. That desperation should cause me to run to Christ and the foot of the cross for help, hope, and grace. The Lord had to break my heart and bring me to the point of death. David in Psalm 23 said, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." God was with me last night. Christ was in me last night. My friends encouraged me with evidences of grace in my life. The fact that I worry if I am saved and care if I am saved is evidence that the Lord is in me. The fact that I love his church is evidence of grace in my life. My friend encouraged me this morning over the phone that the fact that I didn't kill myself was powerful evidence of the Lord at work in me. I need to trust in the Lord and have faith in his promises. Romans 8:32 says, "He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" How can I not have faith with this knowledge?

the resolution...

2008-08-21T14:27:00.000-07:00

Well, I have had an interesting diagnosis. When I saw the neurologist he said that what I had could not be a seizure. With both sides of my body "seizing" he said that it would have been impossible for me to remain conscious. So then he dropped his diagnosis which was rather surprising. Stress. Yeah, hard to believe, huh? He said that my episodes had been stress reactions. He said that people (like me evidently) who don't deal with stress internalize stress it can build until the body has to react. He said that the seizure like episodes are rather common as stress reactions go. He said that he has seen people who believed that they were blind or even paralyzed, when there was nothing wrong physically with them. Isn't it amazing how little we know of ourselves. People talk about self awareness, but how are we supposed to be aware of who we are when we can hide stress from ourselves without knowing it. There is one who knows me better than I could ever know myself. The Lord knew me and knew that I was not dealing with stress. Ultimately, I was not trusting in Him. Instead of letting things that bother me go and turning them over to him I held onto them until they literally paralyzed me for hours at a time. My mind was so overloaded with stress it just sort of shut down. Pretty wild, huh? 1 Peter 5 gives the answer to how to deal with this problem. "6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, 7 casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." He cares. That is why we can bring our troubles and cares to Him. He is the only one who can solve the problem. He is in control. He is sovereign. He knew that I needed to go through all this this summer to learn patience, trust in Him more, and to learn humility. God is good.

the story continues...

2008-08-11T07:55:00.000-07:00

Well, another speed bump in the highway of life. Friday night I had a series of seizures. Another new and serious development in my ordeal. Even as I was laying there shaking uncontrollably I felt the presence of the Lord with me. I don't think I have ever prayed that hard in my entire life. I prayed that it would stop. I prayed that someone would come and check on me to discover me in that state. My family was in the other side of the house watching the opening ceremonies of the olympics on television. I was laying on the couch, originally to attempt a nap. By the time it was all over I was laying on the floor next to the couch under the couch cushions. I was able to mumble help between seizures, but under the cushions it wasn't loud enough to get anyone's attention. I lay there crying out for help. It made me realize that in this life there is nothing and no one that can ever be completely counted on. Not to say that I couldn't count on my family, but they have limitations just like everyone else here on earth, just like I have. I also realized that there is only one person to call on. There is only one person who can always be counted on. He can always hear our calls through couch cushions or any other obstacles that we think are in the way. God is always there and can always hear our cries for help. This Sunday there was a hymn that really ministered to me. "Praise to the Lord the Almighty" might not sound like a hymn about comfort, but comfort comes in knowing that there is someone bigger and more powerful than yourself who is in control and cares about us. Verse four especially was helpful for me. "Praise to the Lord, who doth nourish thy life and restore thee. Fitting thee well for the tasks that are ever before thee. Then to thy need He like a mother doth speed spreading the wings of grace o'er thee." What a comforting picture. He is nourishing my life even when my health is failing. Every breath, every heartbeat, every moment is a gift from him. He will fit me for whatever he has planned for me to do. Even as I lay on the floor unable to move and only able to mumble help he sped like a mother to cover me in his wings. Ironically, it was my mother who heard me. She was in her room asleep farther from me than the others watching the olympics. But even before she found me and came to my aid God had sped to my rescue and was covering me with grace. Every second of my life I am covered by the grace of Christ he provided on the cross.

The rest of the story...

2008-08-04T14:19:00.000-07:00

So, I gave the reader's digest condensed version of why I started this blog, but here is the rest of the story. I went to northern Virginia near D.C. with some friend in May this summer. It was an awesome trip. Eleven of us stayed in one of our friend's family's cabins on the Potomac. We had canoed on the Potomac, spent a day in D.C., and just hung out. It was the last day at the cabin. I had slept in, but I still felt tired. I sat on the couch and ended up laying on the couch. I felt this wave of tiredness come over me and fell asleep instantly. When I woke up I was in a state that is hard for people to understand. Something like it had happened before in high school. I was literally conscious and could hear everything going on but could not respond at all. I couldn't move, couldn't open my eyes, couldn't make a sound-nothing. I lay there for about 2 and 1/2 or three hours before my friends really figured out something was wrong. Now I know that this sounds terrible, but in that state the only control I had was over my reaction to it. So, I just hung out and prayed that someone would notice that something was wrong. My friends tried to wake me up with no success. If anyone ever wonders how someone could believe in God I have an answer. Even in this horrible circumstance he was kind and merciful. One of my friends there was a graduated licensed nurse. How awesome is that. As my friend checked on me another friend called her dad-a pediatrician. Another evidence of grace in a trying time. When they were finally able to get my eyes open everyone started calming down. I still could barely move and couldn't make a sound, much less talk. The ride to the emergency room was exciting. I was between my nurse friend and another friend in the back seat with a driver and direction finder in the front. We found directions at the first gas station and had a safe quick trip. My nurse friend talked me through everything and got me where I could talk by the time we got to the hospital. I still couldn't walk on my own though. I had a CT scan, bloodwork, and all that. Everything was normal. We travelled back the next day even though we had been at the emergency room until 3 or 4 in the morning. My parents picked me up and I went home. It took 2 or 3 weeks to recover fully from my episode. I had another episode about a month later after seeing a neurologist. I have had test after test. The neurologist thinks that I have a form of narcolepsy, a sleeping disorder. I do not as yet have a definite diagnosis though. I am on mild medication for narcolepsy as a sort of test. The medicine worked well for about two and a half weeks, but it is starting to waver. You might wonder how in all this happening I can say thanks to the Lord. This is why. Lamentations 3: 19-24 "Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My sould continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope; The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in him.'" This life will be full of trials. 1 Peter 1:6-7 says, "In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." This is how I can see grace in the midst of the trial. I know that a God who would sacrifice his son, his righteous, holy son, will not place me in a trial unless he has plans to use it in my sanctification, my becoming more like Christ.

Why?

2008-08-04T08:07:00.000-07:00

I figured that the first post of my blog should be why I started the blog in the first place. My hope is that as I stumble through this life trying to prepare for the next I can share what I am learning by the grace of God. My most fervent wish is that the gospel of Christ would be spread through this blog to those who need it desperately-all of us. "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," (Romans 3:23). We need a savior who is perfect to atone for our sinfulness. Romans 5: 15-17 says, "But the free gift is not like the trespass. For if many died through one man's trespass, much more have the grace of God and the free gift by the grace of that one man Jesus Christ abounded for many. And the free gift is not like the result of that one man's sin. For the judgment following one trespass brought condemnation, but the free gift following many trespasses brought justification. For if, because of one man's trespass, death reigned through that one man, much more will those who receive the abundance of grace and the free gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man Jesus Christ." The one man mentioned is Adam. He brought sin into the world when he disobeyed God. But in God's mercy he provided the one man who could bring righteousness to men-his own son, Christ. Well, I think that pretty much explains it for now. I'll try to update my blog as often as possible. Look for more soon.